Isn't it funny the things that we remember? Such small, meaningless memories that take up space in our brains but yet sometimes we can't even recall what we had for breakfast.
I've talked about this before on social media but a memory that has stuck with me, for over 20 years now, is one of many times in grade school when a boy made a negative comment about my body.
As I've stated before, I went to Catholic school my entire life. Our classes were pretty small, about 21-24 students in my class each year but we only had 7 girls. We were definitely outnumbered by the boys and man, did we feel it. They were pretty horrible, pretty much all of the time. Some of them were even suspended in 6th grade for sexual harassment.
I was in 5th grade and had just gotten a new pair of school pants. I remember standing in my parent's bathroom the night before school with them on and I was thinking to myself, hey I look pretty good in these pants. Those weren't thoughts that came to me very often so I was feeling pretty happy with and about myself.
The next morning came and feeling confident in my new navy uniform pants, I went to school. Of course no one noticed my new pants or cared but that was fine, I felt great. Then came the incident. The memory I have not been able to shake and think about far more often than I probably should. The teacher gave me graded papers to hand out and I was walking through the desks, placing papers on the appropriate desks when a boy, we'll call him, ynneK, moved past me in the aisle and said, "Move your fat ass out of my way." To say I was mind blown was an understatement. My feelings were beyond hurt but more than that, I felt shame. I had been so proud of my new pants and his statement brought me crashing down to Earth. No one had ever really commented on my weight or body before that day. At least not so blatantly. I wanted to shrink inside myself and just disappear. It made me go home and look at my body in a new light. I had never been overweight (except my chunky toddler years but hey I liked food, OK!), I was average height and weight for my age. After that I began weighing myself every single day. Looking back, I think the hatred for my own body, started that day. If someone that saw me every single day and knew me well said something that horrible to me, it had to be true, right? That's 10-11 year old logic for you.
For the next few years, more and more comments like that were made. Thankfully, I don't remember many specifics these days but the feeling still sticks with me. It seems ridiculous, right? That was 20 years ago, I should just get over it but 5th grade is such a fragile age. You're just starting to grow out of our child's body and more into a young adult body. His comment just stuck to my soul like glue. Words are very powerful. The old saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me," couldn't be more wrong. Words do hurt. They have the power to change lives, ruin lives and save lives. They can be the difference between someone laughing or crying. Being hurt or being happy.
We have to be more cognizant of our words. They have more effect on people than we think. I'm living proof of what someone's words can do to someone. I'm sure we all are. I'm sure everyone has a similar story to mine. Maybe not the exact content but how someone's cruel words changed them. I wish that I could remember more of the good things that people have said to me over the years. In fact, I can and I will share it now so that this post ends on a positive note.
In high school, I always sat with the same group of girls, pretty much all four years. I wish I could remember who said it to me, but my memory fails me. They told me that they liked my smile and that my smile displayed the perfect amount of teeth. Such a funny and random thing but it was genuine and made me feel good.
I hope everyone is having a great Sunday. Choose your words carefully. Once they are spoken, they can never be taken back again. They can be only forgiven, not forgotten.
Love,
Emily
Sunday, January 29, 2017
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
50 Happy Things
I saw a writing prompt that said to write at least 50 things that make you feel good. It's really in line with my attempt to focus more on the positive in 2017. So here goes, 50 things that make me feel good/happy. I'm not including family because that's a given.
1. putting on perfume
2. clean bed linens
3. going to sleep with no alarm set
4. travelling
5. burning candles
6. hearing my dogs do the content dog sigh
7. reading
8. watching christmas movies
9. putting a puzzle together
10. getting new makeup
11. getting 10k steps in a day
12. fresh hair cut and color
13. napping on the couch
14. getting flowers
15. giving people gifts
16. new socks
17. new yoga pants
18. new notebooks
19. new pens
20. bookstores
21. pulling off surprises
22. full tank of gas
23. getting my eyeliner right
24. laughing
25. napping while it's raining
26. trying new restaurants
27. catching all green lights
28. peeling the plastic off new electronics
29. super hot showers
30. lush bath bombs
31. dark chocolate
32. cheese - all of it. ALL OF THE CHEESE.
33. booking trips
34. the sound of the ocean
35. Harry Potter
36. The Aurora Teagarden movies
37. Murder She Baked Movies
38. fishing
39. the day Ryan gets back home
40. getting all 104 oz of my water in
41. mugs - i want all the cute mugs
42. Doctor Who
43. cookbooks
44. baking
45. sound of gravel crunching under my car's tires
46. fruit/farmers markets
47. colorful sunglasses
48. the hallmark channel
49. hershey's peppermint kisses
50. taking photos
And that's it...it's actually taken me a few weeks to write this entire post. It was more difficult than I thought. Hope you enjoyed.
Love,
Emily
1. putting on perfume
2. clean bed linens
3. going to sleep with no alarm set
4. travelling
5. burning candles
6. hearing my dogs do the content dog sigh
7. reading
8. watching christmas movies
9. putting a puzzle together
10. getting new makeup
11. getting 10k steps in a day
12. fresh hair cut and color
13. napping on the couch
14. getting flowers
15. giving people gifts
16. new socks
17. new yoga pants
18. new notebooks
19. new pens
20. bookstores
21. pulling off surprises
22. full tank of gas
23. getting my eyeliner right
24. laughing
25. napping while it's raining
26. trying new restaurants
27. catching all green lights
28. peeling the plastic off new electronics
29. super hot showers
30. lush bath bombs
31. dark chocolate
32. cheese - all of it. ALL OF THE CHEESE.
33. booking trips
34. the sound of the ocean
35. Harry Potter
36. The Aurora Teagarden movies
37. Murder She Baked Movies
38. fishing
39. the day Ryan gets back home
40. getting all 104 oz of my water in
41. mugs - i want all the cute mugs
42. Doctor Who
43. cookbooks
44. baking
45. sound of gravel crunching under my car's tires
46. fruit/farmers markets
47. colorful sunglasses
48. the hallmark channel
49. hershey's peppermint kisses
50. taking photos
And that's it...it's actually taken me a few weeks to write this entire post. It was more difficult than I thought. Hope you enjoyed.
Love,
Emily
Monday, January 23, 2017
Faith
My faith has been tested more lately than I can ever remember. I'm not a perfect Christian. I cuss like a sailor, I say the Lord's name in vain, I can be petty and immature. I can say hateful things - mostly about myself. I have a gross sense of humor, love trashy romance novels, metal music whose band symbol is an upside cross, have tattoos, purple hair and am super into the supernatural. All things that don't scream Christian. It says the opposite actually. And sometimes I don't even try to be a good Christian. I abandon my faith when it doesn't serve me like I want it to. I ask Why me? I've tried bargaining with God. I've tried making promises. I've tried saying what I think He wants me to say. I only came to Him when I felt troubled. I've gone through stages where I'm not even sure I believe in anything at all. I was born and raised Catholic, went to Catholic school my entire life. And even still, I doubted.
But lately? I've been humbled. None of this is in my control. And it's not my plan. I have gone to Church more in the last month than I have in the last two years. I light a prayer candle and pray with everything I have to just make it out OK. No more bargaining, no promise making. Just coming to the Lord with an open and humble heart, asking for His guidance and to accept His will, whatever it may be for me.
I've been broken down to the barest I've ever been. My pride has been pulverized. My nerves are raw, my emotions are high. I fight tears every moment of the day. Putting on an OK face for everyone becomes so tiring. My favorite part of every day is when I get to leave work, get in my car and cry. And showers, another time I can cry without anyone knowing.
St. Jude and St. Monica have become my best friends. I pray to them so much I'm sure they roll their heavenly eyes when they hear me start my novena. And things just seem to be getting worse. Nothing is changing. And this is where I would normally abandon my faith. I'm trying to believe that something greater is waiting and we have to go through this tribulation first. That there is a purpose to this suffering.
I don't talk about my faith to anyone. I'm not a religious pusher. I don't judge others beliefs and so I don't talk about mine.
I just had to get this out. It probably doesn't even make any sense but it's the thoughts that go through my head. Let go, and let God.
Love,
Emily
But lately? I've been humbled. None of this is in my control. And it's not my plan. I have gone to Church more in the last month than I have in the last two years. I light a prayer candle and pray with everything I have to just make it out OK. No more bargaining, no promise making. Just coming to the Lord with an open and humble heart, asking for His guidance and to accept His will, whatever it may be for me.
I've been broken down to the barest I've ever been. My pride has been pulverized. My nerves are raw, my emotions are high. I fight tears every moment of the day. Putting on an OK face for everyone becomes so tiring. My favorite part of every day is when I get to leave work, get in my car and cry. And showers, another time I can cry without anyone knowing.
St. Jude and St. Monica have become my best friends. I pray to them so much I'm sure they roll their heavenly eyes when they hear me start my novena. And things just seem to be getting worse. Nothing is changing. And this is where I would normally abandon my faith. I'm trying to believe that something greater is waiting and we have to go through this tribulation first. That there is a purpose to this suffering.
I don't talk about my faith to anyone. I'm not a religious pusher. I don't judge others beliefs and so I don't talk about mine.
I just had to get this out. It probably doesn't even make any sense but it's the thoughts that go through my head. Let go, and let God.
Love,
Emily
Wednesday, January 4, 2017
We are the weirdos, mister.
I picked up my camera today and took a few shots of things around the house. It's been so long since I used my camera that I could barely remember any of the settings and a lot of them came out blurry (i'm basically blind as a bat so focusing is not my strong suit) but here a few that I really liked...I also threw in a few photos from May-July 2016 that I found on my SD card.
Hope you enjoyed.
Love,
Emily
Even though this is blurry, I still like it. This was taken at some airport between Louisville and Iceland.
From our summer photo shoot.
My pretty girls.
Wheezy this morning.
Our wise old wizard lady.
The floor by the fireplace.
Isabella placed this on our shelves before Christmas to remember those who couldn't be home for Christmas.
My Scottish teacup.
All the doors in our house have this knob. But there's only one skeleton key left.
He was not having it this morning.
My newest mug. I'm obsessed.
Hope you enjoyed.
Love,
Emily
Monday, January 2, 2017
New Year's Attempts
I'm not one to normally make New Year's resolutions. Mostly because I know I won't follow through with them and will feel even worse about myself than I already do.
This year I've decided to make a list of things I will make an effort to do. I'm not calling them resolutions. Maybe I'm just fooling myself but it makes me feel better not to call them resolutions.
1. Make more eye contact. I hate looking people in the eyes. I think that I am so ugly that I am ashamed to look at people. I hate meeting Ryan's friends because I'm ashamed of myself and don't want to embarrass him. I avoid a lot of things because I just don't want to be seen. I'm tired of missing out on life because of it.
2. Make a real effort at yoga. I have dabbled and made half-hearted attempts but other than one yoga class, never really tried. I am probably too fat and too uncoordinated to do most of it, but I'm going to try anyway.
3. Use my camera more. I have a nice, expensive camera that sits in its bag collecting dust. I really enjoy taking photos and can be halfway decent at it.
4. Bake/cook something I've never made before at least once a week. I have so many cookbooks and really need to expand my eating horizons.
5. Get at least 10k steps a day, at least 5 times a week. Things in motion, tend to stay in motion.
6. Focus on the positive more. My natural personality is to focus on what's wrong instead of what's right. Will need to re-wire my brain a bit on this one.
7. Blog more than once a year. I have started this blog over about once a year since 2011.
That's it. Nothing too outrageous or over the top. I think I once tried to give up cussing as my new year's resolution. Those who know me well know that was never going to happen. I definitely set myself up to fail on that one. I think the list above is doable. I'll be interested to see in a year's time, whether this list makes me roll my eyes or makes me think, hell yeah, I did that. Only time will tell.
Love,
Emily
This year I've decided to make a list of things I will make an effort to do. I'm not calling them resolutions. Maybe I'm just fooling myself but it makes me feel better not to call them resolutions.
1. Make more eye contact. I hate looking people in the eyes. I think that I am so ugly that I am ashamed to look at people. I hate meeting Ryan's friends because I'm ashamed of myself and don't want to embarrass him. I avoid a lot of things because I just don't want to be seen. I'm tired of missing out on life because of it.
2. Make a real effort at yoga. I have dabbled and made half-hearted attempts but other than one yoga class, never really tried. I am probably too fat and too uncoordinated to do most of it, but I'm going to try anyway.
3. Use my camera more. I have a nice, expensive camera that sits in its bag collecting dust. I really enjoy taking photos and can be halfway decent at it.
4. Bake/cook something I've never made before at least once a week. I have so many cookbooks and really need to expand my eating horizons.
5. Get at least 10k steps a day, at least 5 times a week. Things in motion, tend to stay in motion.
6. Focus on the positive more. My natural personality is to focus on what's wrong instead of what's right. Will need to re-wire my brain a bit on this one.
7. Blog more than once a year. I have started this blog over about once a year since 2011.
That's it. Nothing too outrageous or over the top. I think I once tried to give up cussing as my new year's resolution. Those who know me well know that was never going to happen. I definitely set myself up to fail on that one. I think the list above is doable. I'll be interested to see in a year's time, whether this list makes me roll my eyes or makes me think, hell yeah, I did that. Only time will tell.
Love,
Emily
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