Faith

My faith has been tested more lately than I can ever remember. I'm not a perfect Christian. I cuss like a sailor, I say the Lord's name in vain, I can be petty and immature. I can say hateful things - mostly about myself. I have a gross sense of humor, love trashy romance novels, metal music whose band symbol is an upside cross, have tattoos, purple hair and am super into the supernatural. All things that don't scream Christian. It says the opposite actually. And sometimes I don't even try to be a good Christian. I abandon my faith when it doesn't serve me like I want it to. I ask Why me? I've tried bargaining with God. I've tried making promises. I've tried saying what I think He wants me to say. I only came to Him when I felt troubled. I've gone through stages where I'm not even sure I believe in anything at all. I was born and raised Catholic, went to Catholic school my entire life. And even still, I doubted.

But lately? I've been humbled. None of this is in my control. And it's not my plan. I have gone to Church more in the last month than I have in the last two years. I light a prayer candle and pray with everything I have to just make it out OK. No more bargaining, no promise making. Just coming to the Lord with an open and humble heart, asking for His guidance and to accept His will, whatever it may be for me.

I've been broken down to the barest I've ever been. My pride has been pulverized. My nerves are raw, my emotions are high. I fight tears every moment of the day. Putting on an OK face for everyone becomes so tiring. My favorite part of every day is when I get to leave work, get in my car and cry. And showers, another time I can cry without anyone knowing.

St. Jude and St. Monica have become my best friends. I pray to them so much I'm sure they roll their heavenly eyes when they hear me start my novena. And things just seem to be getting worse. Nothing is changing. And this is where I would normally abandon my faith. I'm trying to believe that something greater is waiting and we have to go through this tribulation first. That there is a purpose to this suffering.

I don't talk about my faith to anyone. I'm not a religious pusher. I don't judge others beliefs and so I don't talk about mine.

I just had to get this out. It probably doesn't even make any sense but it's the thoughts that go through my head. Let go, and let God.

Love,

Emily