Isn't it funny the things that we remember? Such small, meaningless memories that take up space in our brains but yet sometimes we can't even recall what we had for breakfast.
I've talked about this before on social media but a memory that has stuck with me, for over 20 years now, is one of many times in grade school when a boy made a negative comment about my body.
As I've stated before, I went to Catholic school my entire life. Our classes were pretty small, about 21-24 students in my class each year but we only had 7 girls. We were definitely outnumbered by the boys and man, did we feel it. They were pretty horrible, pretty much all of the time. Some of them were even suspended in 6th grade for sexual harassment.
I was in 5th grade and had just gotten a new pair of school pants. I remember standing in my parent's bathroom the night before school with them on and I was thinking to myself, hey I look pretty good in these pants. Those weren't thoughts that came to me very often so I was feeling pretty happy with and about myself.
The next morning came and feeling confident in my new navy uniform pants, I went to school. Of course no one noticed my new pants or cared but that was fine, I felt great. Then came the incident. The memory I have not been able to shake and think about far more often than I probably should. The teacher gave me graded papers to hand out and I was walking through the desks, placing papers on the appropriate desks when a boy, we'll call him, ynneK, moved past me in the aisle and said, "Move your fat ass out of my way." To say I was mind blown was an understatement. My feelings were beyond hurt but more than that, I felt shame. I had been so proud of my new pants and his statement brought me crashing down to Earth. No one had ever really commented on my weight or body before that day. At least not so blatantly. I wanted to shrink inside myself and just disappear. It made me go home and look at my body in a new light. I had never been overweight (except my chunky toddler years but hey I liked food, OK!), I was average height and weight for my age. After that I began weighing myself every single day. Looking back, I think the hatred for my own body, started that day. If someone that saw me every single day and knew me well said something that horrible to me, it had to be true, right? That's 10-11 year old logic for you.
For the next few years, more and more comments like that were made. Thankfully, I don't remember many specifics these days but the feeling still sticks with me. It seems ridiculous, right? That was 20 years ago, I should just get over it but 5th grade is such a fragile age. You're just starting to grow out of our child's body and more into a young adult body. His comment just stuck to my soul like glue. Words are very powerful. The old saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me," couldn't be more wrong. Words do hurt. They have the power to change lives, ruin lives and save lives. They can be the difference between someone laughing or crying. Being hurt or being happy.
We have to be more cognizant of our words. They have more effect on people than we think. I'm living proof of what someone's words can do to someone. I'm sure we all are. I'm sure everyone has a similar story to mine. Maybe not the exact content but how someone's cruel words changed them. I wish that I could remember more of the good things that people have said to me over the years. In fact, I can and I will share it now so that this post ends on a positive note.
In high school, I always sat with the same group of girls, pretty much all four years. I wish I could remember who said it to me, but my memory fails me. They told me that they liked my smile and that my smile displayed the perfect amount of teeth. Such a funny and random thing but it was genuine and made me feel good.
I hope everyone is having a great Sunday. Choose your words carefully. Once they are spoken, they can never be taken back again. They can be only forgiven, not forgotten.
Love,
Emily
No comments:
Post a Comment